I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
