I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
