Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
