First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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