I puked a lego.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize