I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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