he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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