i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
