So gin and wine won't be happening again
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
