I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
