I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You pole danced in your parka.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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