I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
