If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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