I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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