I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
