I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
