i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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