hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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