i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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