I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
