dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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