im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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