I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
