Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
