Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
