I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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