oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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