Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
