So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
