I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
