Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
