I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
