Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
