its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize