I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
