some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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