I feel great
I just peed on a car
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
