did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
