There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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