I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
