Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
