The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
