It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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