Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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