just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
