I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
