:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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