Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize