She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
