my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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