I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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