so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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