you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize