I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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