i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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