at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
vagina is talking i cant
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
They have beer where we have blood.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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