I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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