We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize