there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
