chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
