I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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